Mother's Day is hard for me. Not because I'm angry. Not because I'm jealous. And not even because I'm sad. It hard because it is a reminder of the one thing in my life that I cannot do.
It's hard because I feel like a little girl that is jumping up and down and waving my arms saying "God, I'm over here. Pick me! I want to be chosen too! I know I won't be the perfect parent, but I'll give it my best shot."
And I just keep getting overlooked.
And if I'm truthful, I've been really struggling with people trying to sympathize with losing my pregnancies and trying to force the fact that there is a bigger plan on me. And while yes, miscarriage is actually pretty common... No one situation is the same. No one feels the same things. And No one processes and deals the same.
Here's the thing... I know there is a reason why infertility is one of my trials. I know there is a Plan. I know that they Lord is mindful of me and knows the desires of my heart. And while knowing all of this helps more than anything, it does not change the fact that it hurts. If you have had a miscarriage, I know that you on some level do understand the pain and heartbreak that I have felt, BUT if you were able to turn around and have more children without anymore losses... You cannot and will not completely understand just how deep my heartbreak is. You have not experienced month after month of disappointments, and loss after loss. So please, do not try and compare yourself to me. You are able to hold your children, you are able to comfort them, you are able to feel them kick while your pregnant, you are able to tuck them in at night. And while those things seem small, to me they are a big deal.
I have worked hard to get passed everything that has happened to me... and to be honest I'm not all the way there. But I'm trying. To have people try and tell me that they understand how I feel doesn't help.
Mother's Day sucks for all of us in the infertile world. We honestly want to celebrate... We just cannot do it.
Its painful, it is a reminder of what we cannot do, on top of every other daily or monthly reminder we have to face.
"So often we try and make other other people feel better by minimizing their pain,
by telling them that it will get better (which it will) or that there are worse things in the world
(which there are). But that's not what I actually needed.
What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered.
I have found this very useful over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren't constantly berating yourself for being sad."
-John Green
Lastly, people have been asking me what our plan is, what is the next step on our journey... And the only answer I can give is that we are going to try again, one more time. And they get all optimistic and don't even realize that it will probably take another few years. Which for me is heartbreaking. And I pray everyday for a miracle.
Please don't get me wrong... I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have a wonderful husband, amazing friends and I am a part of a wonderful Infertile community that would knock your socks off with the strength these women have.
But all that doesn't change that I have to wake up to an empty house, that I have scars that remind me of what I've lost, and with every year that I get older I know that my chances of carrying my own child decrease.
Please know, that come Monday I will be fine. I found this song on that might help me explain my feelings a little better.
Thank you for all of your love, support and prayers. It means so much to me... And if you see me at church, no pity... just tell me you love me.
