Have you ever had everything you have ever dreamed of right there at your fingertips? You can almost touch it, its so close. You wake up one morning and everything is right with the world and you feel unstoppable. And then in a matter of seconds, your world comes crashing down around you.
That's my infertility. As soon as I think I have beaten it… It comes back with a vengeance.
That's my infertility. As soon as I think I have beaten it… It comes back with a vengeance.
Now, I don’t profess to be a great writer… In fact, I think the exact opposite. I mean I've always thought how cool it would be to be a famous blogger - which to me meant having thousands of followers, writing these awesome and witty posts about all sorts of different topics. But, that isn't me. My posts are raw and sometimes heartbreaking. Because that's my life right now. And that's the hard truth.
So have a seat, and be prepared… You are about to get the good, the bad and the ugly
So have a seat, and be prepared… You are about to get the good, the bad and the ugly
Here we go...
My infertility is not a secret, I told myself a few years ago that I would be open about it. To set an example that it is not something to be afraid of, because it not. I am not ashamed of my infertility… Do I hate it? Yes, very much so. Its not fair and my heart breaks every day, because its not something you can ignore, it doesn't ever go away… there is no cure. There are ways to get around it, sometimes. But its not a guarantee.
Last Fall, we started the IVF (invitro fertilization) process, to try and have a baby. An IVF cycle is about a month and a half long or so, this does not include hiccups. You are also on multiple different medications and hormones, which make you turn into a crazy person… God bless my amazing husband, he deserves an award for being so patient and loving.
For our cycle, we hit many bumps in the road, I am prone to ovarian cysts, and we had to postpone our cycle twice because of them. I had to restart the medication multiple times and I felt like a broken record, having to tell people who did know, what was going on and why things weren't moving as quickly as they should have been. When we were able to move forward to the egg retrieval, because I only have one ovary due to the ectopics, we were limited to how eggs we could get.
When all was said in done, and the embryologist dumped the swimmers on my eggs (romantic huh?), we only had 3 fertilize and become embryos. 3… that's it.
We decided that we would put two embryos in the first time in hopes that both would “stick”, and if not that at least one.
For our cycle, we hit many bumps in the road, I am prone to ovarian cysts, and we had to postpone our cycle twice because of them. I had to restart the medication multiple times and I felt like a broken record, having to tell people who did know, what was going on and why things weren't moving as quickly as they should have been. When we were able to move forward to the egg retrieval, because I only have one ovary due to the ectopics, we were limited to how eggs we could get.
When all was said in done, and the embryologist dumped the swimmers on my eggs (romantic huh?), we only had 3 fertilize and become embryos. 3… that's it.
We decided that we would put two embryos in the first time in hopes that both would “stick”, and if not that at least one.
Going through the process I was so scared, I didn't want too excited because I was afraid I would jinx it, but I knew that if it was going to happen that it would all work itself out.
When you go into your two week wait (tww), your emotions are all over the place, you want to be optimistic, but at the same time you are terrified. About a week into my tww, I started to bleed. My heart hit the floor with a loud thud, I knew what was happening, no matter what anyone told me. I knew my babies didn't “take” and I was losing them.
When I went for my blood test, I tried desperately to stay hopeful. I was at work when I got the call, I had them leave a message so I could call Gary and we could listen to it together. My beta numbers were too low, I miscarried. My infertility won. I felt like I had been punched in the chest, I couldn't breathe, I just sat there at my desk and cried. Thankfully, I had an amazing boss who told me I could go home. Gary came and picked me up and when we got to the house I walked straight to my bed, and we laid there together, not talking, I couldn't get anything out. I was numb so we just held each other.
I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't was to see anyone, what I wanted was to crawl into a hole in the ground and die. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was now a miscarriage survivor.
For some reason, I didn't consider my ectopic pregnancies as miscarriages, they were taken from me surgically. They had to be, or else I would bleed internally. It was necessary for my survival, and this was different, It wasn't a physical pain… It was a mental and emotional pain.
But I knew that I would be ok eventually, I didn't know how or when… but I knew it was possible. I had done it before with the ectopics.
When you go into your two week wait (tww), your emotions are all over the place, you want to be optimistic, but at the same time you are terrified. About a week into my tww, I started to bleed. My heart hit the floor with a loud thud, I knew what was happening, no matter what anyone told me. I knew my babies didn't “take” and I was losing them.
When I went for my blood test, I tried desperately to stay hopeful. I was at work when I got the call, I had them leave a message so I could call Gary and we could listen to it together. My beta numbers were too low, I miscarried. My infertility won. I felt like I had been punched in the chest, I couldn't breathe, I just sat there at my desk and cried. Thankfully, I had an amazing boss who told me I could go home. Gary came and picked me up and when we got to the house I walked straight to my bed, and we laid there together, not talking, I couldn't get anything out. I was numb so we just held each other.
I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't was to see anyone, what I wanted was to crawl into a hole in the ground and die. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was now a miscarriage survivor.
For some reason, I didn't consider my ectopic pregnancies as miscarriages, they were taken from me surgically. They had to be, or else I would bleed internally. It was necessary for my survival, and this was different, It wasn't a physical pain… It was a mental and emotional pain.
But I knew that I would be ok eventually, I didn't know how or when… but I knew it was possible. I had done it before with the ectopics.
A few weeks later we met with the doctor to figure out what our next stop was, he gave us our options...
Do a fresh cycle or use our last embryo that was on ice. Gary and I spent some time talking about it and decided we would go for our ice baby.
Do a fresh cycle or use our last embryo that was on ice. Gary and I spent some time talking about it and decided we would go for our ice baby.
Which brings me to the next part of my story…
I started the medications very tentatively in June of this year… I was terrified of how to feel and what to think. I had only told a select few about what we were doing, I can count them on one hand. I had also been seeing a therapist that specializes in Infertility, I listened to a special meditation program to help my anxiety and everything had been going smoothly, there were no bumps or roadblocks.
We went on vacation in July for a week to relax and mentally prepare, we left a day early to come back for the transfer. I was calm and ready. I was ready to to finally have everything that I had hoped and dreamed of come true.
A week after the transfer and into the tww, no bleeding. I already had my blood test scheduled, it was a week away so I decided to take a chance and do a home test… I took the test, walked from the bathroom to the kitchen in a two minute time span, when I got back … “Pregnant”. I had never been so happy to see those words on that stupid little stick.
When I went to have my blood drawn , I got the call later that afternoon that my beta numbers were high and that we were well on our way… I was on cloud nine! Pregnant… it was confirmed. As the next week went by, I started to feel it, I was getting more tired and sick. I loved it! And keeping it a secret was so hard, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. We were so excited. I kept thinking of all the fun ways I could tell family, knowing how excited they would be for us. So when the second blood test arrived, we got more good news! We set up our ultrasound for a week from then, I would be 7 weeks, we would be able to hear the heartbeat. There were so many emotions! I couldn't wait to see our little one. We started planning for the future, we decided to tell family at the beginning of September. I had started to get so attached to this little person, as the week went by, I spent my time focused on my little bean and talking to it, telling it how much I loved it.
When I went to have my blood drawn , I got the call later that afternoon that my beta numbers were high and that we were well on our way… I was on cloud nine! Pregnant… it was confirmed. As the next week went by, I started to feel it, I was getting more tired and sick. I loved it! And keeping it a secret was so hard, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. We were so excited. I kept thinking of all the fun ways I could tell family, knowing how excited they would be for us. So when the second blood test arrived, we got more good news! We set up our ultrasound for a week from then, I would be 7 weeks, we would be able to hear the heartbeat. There were so many emotions! I couldn't wait to see our little one. We started planning for the future, we decided to tell family at the beginning of September. I had started to get so attached to this little person, as the week went by, I spent my time focused on my little bean and talking to it, telling it how much I loved it.
And the day of the ultrasound, we got to the doctors office, they took us back and put us in a room. When the doctor came in, you could tell he was excited for us, we have seen him enough times that he knows our faces. He got me settled on the table, pulls up the ultrasound on the screen…and searches... he doesn't say anything for what seems like an eternity, there is no sound from the machine, his whole demeanor changed… And then the words that felt like a knife…
“I’m so sorry… I think I have bad news…”
“I’m so sorry… I think I have bad news…”
I looked at the screen and all I saw was a black circle in the middle, an empty black circle. He searched and searched…. and searched some more. Nothing. I turned from the screen and stared at the ceiling, waiting for him to finish. My mind blank.
He had me sit up and explained that what happened is called a Blighted Ovum, when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but doesn't develop into an embryo, just the sac and yolk grow.
I couldn't think, I was in shock. I almost threw up… and lucky for him I didn't, he was in the line of fire.
Surprisingly enough, I held it together while he talked to Gary and I about our options and made sure we were ok... I showed no emotion on my face. When he left the room, Gary got up and hugged me… I lost it. No baby. My infertility had won again. I woke up that morning thinking that all of our dreams of having a baby had finally come true to have them crash down around me in a matter of seconds.
I cried all the way home, I cried as I crawled into bed, and cried as my amazing husband held me. My heart ached. Everything ached. Every heartbeat in my chest was a painful stab. So I made a split decision to take the unhealthy route and go numb, I didn't want to feel anything and I didn't want to deal what had just happened.
He had me sit up and explained that what happened is called a Blighted Ovum, when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but doesn't develop into an embryo, just the sac and yolk grow.
I couldn't think, I was in shock. I almost threw up… and lucky for him I didn't, he was in the line of fire.
Surprisingly enough, I held it together while he talked to Gary and I about our options and made sure we were ok... I showed no emotion on my face. When he left the room, Gary got up and hugged me… I lost it. No baby. My infertility had won again. I woke up that morning thinking that all of our dreams of having a baby had finally come true to have them crash down around me in a matter of seconds.
I cried all the way home, I cried as I crawled into bed, and cried as my amazing husband held me. My heart ached. Everything ached. Every heartbeat in my chest was a painful stab. So I made a split decision to take the unhealthy route and go numb, I didn't want to feel anything and I didn't want to deal what had just happened.
The doctor recommended to have a D and C, which we scheduled for less than a week later. Everything went smoothly, no complications. My nurse was amazing, the anesthesiologist was really funny… They made me feel like everything would be OK, even if I didn't really believe it.
I wasn't sure I would be able to come back from that… It was awful, cruel and completely out of my control.
And now that time has passed, I am able to look back and realize that with everything that has happened to me... I am stronger for it. Each thing has been difficult, heart breaking, terrifying, painful and completely unfair.
And now that time has passed, I am able to look back and realize that with everything that has happened to me... I am stronger for it. Each thing has been difficult, heart breaking, terrifying, painful and completely unfair.
Infertility is not fair, but it is out of our control. We have to learn to be strong, we have to learn to be patient… Everyday is a struggle. But these are the things that happen to us, we have to walk, stumble, and even crawl through Hell just to get something that comes so natural and easy for others. We have to watch people in our lives have baby after baby and then we have to pretend that we are ok.. When really we are dying inside. And its not that we aren't happy for that person, we understand its not their fault that we can’t have children, but because of our infertility we are unable to do the one thing that our bodies were designed to do. It is a hard pill to swallow.
Someone once told me that they didn't want their infertility to define them, so they just pretend its not there. No one wants their infertility to define them, but you can’t pretend it does not exist. For me, it is apart of my life, it is apart of who I am… But it Does Not define who I am and I am not ashamed of it.
Someone once told me that they didn't want their infertility to define them, so they just pretend its not there. No one wants their infertility to define them, but you can’t pretend it does not exist. For me, it is apart of my life, it is apart of who I am… But it Does Not define who I am and I am not ashamed of it.
It has taken me a long time to get to where I am… Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Before our IVF cycles, I spent a few years very angry and bitter. I didn't want to be around people, especially all my pregnant friends. I refused to go to baby showers, I didn't congratulate people who announced they were expecting, and I lost friends because it. It was hard and it tried my testimony, I couldn't understand how it was fair that others could keep having babies but I was being denied.
Before our IVF cycles, I spent a few years very angry and bitter. I didn't want to be around people, especially all my pregnant friends. I refused to go to baby showers, I didn't congratulate people who announced they were expecting, and I lost friends because it. It was hard and it tried my testimony, I couldn't understand how it was fair that others could keep having babies but I was being denied.
And with it being the holiday season, things are really hard. The two holidays that I struggle with the most are Christmas and Mother's Day (no explanation for the day we celebrate Motherhood should be necessary). But Christmas... The due date for my very first ectopic baby was December 17th. It would have been our honeymoon baby. I would have a 5 year old right now... 2 ectopic pregnancies, 1 miscarriage that had two embryos, 1 blighted ovum. Did you count that? 5. I could have 5. Now, I do have quite a few of nieces and nephews, who I love dearly... But each year I watch them grow, and I see them Christmas mornings as they get all excited about their gifts, as they run to show their mom and dad... And I sit quietly on the sidelines watching, keeping my emotions in check. My arms are empty and it takes a toll on my broken heart, I should be pregnant right now... I should be 24wks. This was supposed to be the Christmas that I enjoyed because we would be starting a new chapter in our lives. I was due April 5th, I've only ever received two official due dates and they haunt me.
So if you can't tell this is the time of year that I am the most... Sensitive? My gut tells me to use the word unstable, mainly because I have gone months without a breakdown and within the last few weeks I have broken down a few times. So yeah.
2014 has been a really rough year... A roller coaster of ups and downs. And there are things from this year that will follow me into 2015... But here's to hoping that I have tried to make myself strong enough to withstand all the things that are thrown at me.
I was in a church meeting a while back, and something the speaker said hit my heart strong. He said
“Have you ever felt like you missed the blessing train”
Yes, holy cow YES! But really, who hasn't? I’m sure that at some point in everyone’s lives they have felt like they have missed that train. And with Infertility, I’m not the only who missed it. I think the community of infertility would shock you. I have met some amazing people! And nothing helps ease your heart then having one of your infertile sisters take your hand and say “me too”.
And to be honest, I don’t know all the reasons that this is my trial, I hope and pray that I will be a mommy one day, I’m not ready to give up. I will keep fighting.
Because I want it. And I refuse to let this beat me. It may knock me down, cause me to sob my eyes out, make me feel like a failure and make me doubt everything I know to be true. When I was younger my mom told me that if someone ever tried to kidnap me that I was to start kicking, screaming, struggle and fight until I got away... I feel that way about infertility. I may have really bad days where I can barely get out of bed because it hurts so bad, but in the end... I will Not go down without a fight.
"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's really all about."
-Haruki Murakami
